Vlad the Grey
by mercva
Summary: A self insertion. The main character is now under the wing of the Hellsing Institute, going to Hogwarts, and friends with Alucard.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: The author is inserted into the HP universe, via the Hellsing Institute. 

Crossover: Hellsing 

Category: Self Insertion 

Disclaimer: I own all! All, I say! Hahaha-*bzzzzzzzzt* ... pretty lawyers... ownering lawyers... ooo, lookit da sparks... 

Feedback: I'm an attention wh0re! 

Pre-fic Comments: 

There may be a fair amount of Hellsing before I get into the HP stuff. This is the first HP fic I've done, so be kind. Some bad language and swearing is in this. 

To clear things up, the character inserted already knows about Hellsing, but not HarryPotter. 

Wordage in parseltongue is formatted "*like this.*" 

* * * 

Have any of you ever helped a Masters postgrad studying for his Doctorate? 

For future reference, if you do, if he says 'don't touch', he damn well means don't touch. 

The man I was helping was studying some kind of interdimensional theory, and trying to find physical data to back this up. I wasn't entirely certain of the details -- I was a computer systems student, not a physics student. The lasery thingies in his lab needed someone to monitor them and take notes while he experimented, and I needed money. 

Sweet, sweet money with which goodness can be purchased. And getting to play with monstrously powerful research equipment, of course. 

Where was I? 

Ah, yes. 

The guy I was working for was the one fiddling with the equipment set up in the main chamber, I was the one in charge of setting the lasers up, taking dictation, and noting everything that happened and the settings used. I had set the lasers up for an hour long session, and he was carefully adjusting the apparatus that was the main focus of the experiment. I would have read a book to relieve the boredom, but for the dictation every now and then. 

I tried poking a pencil into the beam of one of the main lasers, just to see what would happen. To my disappointment, nothing did. Next, I tried a finger while the boss dude altered the settings. 

... the hell? Why was my finger evaporating? 

More to the point, /I/ was evaporating! 

* * * 

I found myself condensing back into a material form in a distinctly British room that was bare, except for a desk and three people. 

A blonde woman in a green suit with a cold look, a greyhaired man with a monocle over one eye and dressed in a suit, and a man with a long red coat and hat on. I was in the headquarters for Britain's top vampire hunting institution, and was looking at the Angel of Death, a No Life King, and Integra Wingates Hellsing. 

"I am in sooo much shit," I muttered. "Hey, what the hell? What happened to my voice?" 

The blonde, Integra, drew a compact handgun from under her jacket and pointed it at me in one smooth motion. "Who are you? Are you with Section 13, or the FREAK chip vampires?" 

"No," I said. "I don't get it, one moment I'm helping some physicist, the next I'm in Hellsing?" 

"You know of us?," the greyhaired man, Walter C Dorneas asked. 

"Yeah," I said. "The guy was working on interdimensional stuff, maybe I shouldn't've touched his stuff... oh crap..." 

I looked up, thinking as fast as I could. Either this was the anime, or it was the manga version of Hellsing. "What was the last thing to happen here?" 

"The Valentine brothers invaded Hellsing," the greyhaired man replied. 

"That was cool, watching you take down that loser vampire," I said to the man in the red coat, Alucard. "I... don't suppose you've got any way of sending me back to my world?" 

"No," Integra said. "You are welcome to stay here, as long as you stay out of trouble. I won't send a ten year old out on the streets." 

I blinked. "The hell? Why am I now ten years old?! Stupid-ass researcher. Do I have to bunk down with the police girl? I mean, now I'm not old enough to have any fun!" 

Alucard laughed out loud at this. "Master, I think I like this one." 

"What is your name?," Walter asked. 

"I don't have a name in this world," I said softly. "It's possible that I have a counterpart here already -- I don't want to mess my double's life up any more than it is." 

Alucard and Walter locked eyes briefly. 

"If Integra won't give you her name," he said, crouching to my new height, "I will, Vlad." 

The blonde female leader of Hellsing - 'Her Royal England Legions of Legitimate Supernatural and Immortal Night Guard' - got up from behind her desk and pulled out a thin, tightly wrapped cigar. "Welcome to Hellsing, Vlad Hellsing." 

Alucard bared an arm, drawing blood with a nail. "I won't turn you, but I will share blood." 

I nervously stepped forwards. The vampire painlessly cut my arm, then pressed his cut against mine, mingling our blood. 

* * * 

The next day, I came across Walter working on his laptop. I frowned, thinking to myself. I needed a computer. 

"Hey, Walter, that computer must be getting old," I said carefully. "You should probably get a new one." 

The old butler looked up at me, obviously onto what I wanted. "It does what I wants." 

"Old laptops develop a memory in their batteries and the parts are more prone to failing," I pointed out. "You don't want to risk it breaking." 

Walter smiled. "And what would I do with this one, then?" 

"Well," I mused out loud, "I need some portable computer system." 

* * * 

A week later found Alucard, the police girl and I sneaking along the corridor to the kitchens. 

"Substitute?," I whispered. 

"Check," Seras Victoria, the police girl, whispered back. 

"Transfer to main operative," I whispered. 

Seras gave Alucard the bags that she was carrying. 

"Main operative status?," I whispered. 

"Normal and ready," Alucard whispered, grinning like mad. 

"Proceed with second phase," I whispered. 

Alucard melted through the door to the kitchens. After a few minutes, he returned with a bag full of multicoloured tins. 

"Did you get everything?," I asked in a normal voice. 

The vampire held up the bag. "I've got all of Walter's tea. This was a good idea, Vlad!" 

"We'll get in trouble!," Seras protested. 

"Not so loud!," I hissed. "Let's get outta here before Walter comes along!" 

Half an hour later, the voice of a supremely offended elderly British butler rang through the Hellsing manor. 

"WHO TOOK THE TEA LEAVES AND REPLACED THEM WITH COFFEE?!?!" 

Thank God it only took a case of Earl Grey tea bags to get back in Walter's good books. 

* * * 

I later asked Alucard how he did that phase-through-walls thing. 

"How do you do that, anyway? Is it a vampire thing?" 

He-who-never-takes-off-his-coat smirked. "No, it's magic." 

"You're joking," I said. "There's no such thing." 

The vampire unbuttoned his dress shirt and pulled out a pendant from underneath, taking it off. "This allows me to do it. Most of the time, though I do it myself rather than use the pendant." 

I looked at it, weighing it in my hand. "So I could do that if I wanted?" 

Alucard shook his head. "No. It needs magic to operate, and so--" 

He stopped talking abruptly as my hand that /wasn't/ holding the pendant phased through the wall before getting stuck there. 

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" 

* * * 

Integra arched her fingers and looked at me over them. We were in her office, with Alucard standing behind me. I had just given her a report on what I remembered of Hellsing canon. 

"So, you can do magic. You don't have any plans here, so I propose to send you to the finest school in Britain that teaches magic," she said. 

"Uh, Oxford?," I guessed. 

"Hogwarts," the blonde corrected me. 

Alucard groaned. It was the first time I'd heard him do that. "Maaaaster, they're all stick in the muds there!" 

"It's a school, Alucard, of course they are," I sighed. "Still, I don't really want to go through calculus and statistics again." 

"If you continue to bother people," Integra continued, "then you will not go." 

"Seras didn't mind me dying her clothes red!," I protested. Alucard snickered behind me -- he'd gotten a lot of mileage for jokes out of that. 

"I don't like coffee," Integra said simply. Her eyes narrowed. "Alucard will take you to the necessary shops tomorrow to purchase your supplies needed for Hogwarts -- the term starts in two weeks, and the train leaves the day before. I've written to the headmaster there, and they have replied with your acceptance letter." 

"Right," I said. "What budget limits do I have?" 

"What's on your list, and twenty pounds extra," Integra snapped. "And nothing on jokes or illegal items!" 

* * * 

The next day, Alucard borrowed Walter's Nissan and took me into London. He parked outside a small pub called 'The Leaky Cauldron'. 

"Alucard, if Integra finds out we're going to a pub instead of these magic shops, she's gonna have your head," I said as we entered. 

The pub was much like I envisioned an English pub, all stained wood and smoke hanging in the corner where a group of old men sat. Behind the bar, an old man was cleaning a glass. He looked up when we entered. 

"Ah, Alucard! How good to see you again! I'm afraid I don't have your usual stocked up, sorry," the publican said. "Is Walter doing alright?" 

"Walter's busy with work today, and I can't stop," Alucard said, taking off his red glasses. "I'm here to take Vlad shopping." 

One of a group of little old women at a table looked up, and spotted the tall vampire. 

"Oh, look," she said, poking one of her friends. "It's the Hellsing vampire!" 

A bell jingled as another party entered the pub. A giant man in an enormous overcoat and a shortish boy with black hair, green eyes and a mondo bizarro scar across his forehead. 

"Alucard!," the giant man roared. "Tom! Good to see you!" 

"The usual, Hagrid?," the publican, 'Tom', asked. 

"Can't, I'm on Hogwarts business," Hagrid replied. "But Alucard, I want to have a word with you about that favour you owe me." 

The vampire looked nervous as Hagrid sat him down. "Er, we were both drunk when we played that game of horseshoes..." 

I wandered over to the boy while the giant Hagrid and Alucard started argueing over... pixies? Fairies? Something disgustingly cute sounding. 

"Hi, Vlad Hellsing," I introduced myself. "Nice to meet you. You starting at that school too?" 

"Ah, I'm Harry," the boy said. "I'm going to Hogwarts, too." 

One of the old ladies head turned. "Harry Potter!," she shrieked. 

And then I lost him to a mob of people. Apparently, he was some kind of celebrity. I decided to see how Alucard and Hagrid were doing. 

The vampire eagerly grabbed my shoulder. "Sorry, Hagrid, can't stop, have to get Vlad his school supplies! Haha!" 

"You seem entirely too happy to get away from him," I said as we went out the back. 

"Quiet," Alucard muttered. "I owe him a boxful of pink winged fairies, and I'm /not/ going to sort /that/ out in public." 

"Does Integra know you're into pink winged fairies?" 

"She won't if you remember that I still have those photos of you in the bath." 

Alucard led me out the back of the pub, to a small alleyway. He stopped at the end, where there was a brick wall. I was about to make a sarcastic comment, when he did /something/ and the wall opened up into an arch, revealing... 

"Dear God in Heaven," I muttered. "I always knew the English were mad, but /this/?" 

A busy, marketplace like street. There was a stand of cauldrons in all shapes, sizes, makes and materials. One shop window had bunches of dry, dead things in the windows, and another had a group of small boys windowshopping. 

"Amen," Alucard said. "The first place we have to go is to get you some robes. Something tasteful in leather?" 

I grinned as we moved towards a clothes shop marked 'Madam Malkins Robes For All Occasions'. "Sounds good to me." 

A small, smiling witch scurried up to us. "Hello, are you needing a new suit already?" 

"I'm not here for me," Alucard said, "but the boy here needs a set of robes for school." 

I looked around the shop, taking in the clothes sold. There was an overwhelming amount of black and silver... bloody hell. 

"I'm not wearing a fu--um, dress," I said. 

The witch, who must have been Madam Malkin, shoo'ed me onto a footstool. "Nonsense, the girls will love you in them." 

Then she pulled one of those dresses mockingly called robes over my head. 

"We were hoping for something tight in leather, with a whip if you have them," Alucard joked. 

"We're fresh out," Madam Malkin stated dryly, obviously used to the old vampire. She went quiet as she held some pins in her mouth, pinning the robe to the right length. 

"Hello," a boy next to us said. He was blonde, with silver eyes. "Hogwarts, too?" 

"No," I said, "this is for my next sewer crawl. Just the thing for wading in garbage, don't you know?" 

The boy laughed at this, and his voice picked up from a disaffected drawl. "I'm Draco Malfoy." 

"Vlad Hellsing," I said. The boy obviously recognised my new family name. 

"My father is next door buying my books," said Malfoy, "and my mother is looking at wands. Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms -- I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully Father into buying one, and I'll smuggle it in." 

"Get a Bag of Holding, then," Alucard chipped in. "They're expensive, but good for things like that. Do they still use wands, holding that all else is heresy?" 

"It's more a case of how fast you can learn," the witch pinning Draco's clothes said. "They say it takes longer with athame." 

Alucard muttered something in another language that no one could understand. 

"Have you got your own broom?," Malfoy asked. 

"Do you?," I returned. 

"Touche'. And fair enough. Play Quidditch at all?," was the next question. 

"I'm normally at Hellsing Manor, which is surrounded by unmagical, easily spooked farmers," I improvised, having no clue what the boy was going on about. 

"What a shame! Know what House you'll be in?" 

"Slytherin's the only decent house," Alucard butted in. "Vlad, Gryffindor are like Father Anderson -- charging into the mincer regardless of the odds. Ravenclaw are bookworms, nose in the clouds. Hufflepuff blindly /follow/ the Gryffindors into the mincer. Unless they've changed since I was last at Hogwarts." 

Draco Malfoy blinked. "That's quite possibly the best summary I've heard. Might I ask who you are?" 

Alucard smirked widely. "Alucard Sepet Dalv, of the Hellsing Institute." 

The blonde boy gasped. He started fishing around his pockets for something, ignoring the assistant telling him to hold still. "You're Alucard?! Can I have your autograph?" 

The vampire took a photograph of him and signed it with a permanent marker for Draco, then handed it back. 

Malkin spoke up, having finished the pinning. "That's you done, my dear." 

"Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts," Draco said as I stepped down from the stool. 

"When should the rest of the required clothing be finished?," I asked. 

"Give us five minutes," Malkin said. 

Alucard dragged me to the bookshop, next. While we were searching for the required textbooks, I bumped into a girl with brown hair. The two of us lost our piles as we lost our balance. 

"Sorry, sorry," I apologised. 

"It's no problem," the girl sighed. "I'm Hermione. Oh, are you starting at Hogwarts too?" 

"Yeah," I admitted. "I'm Vlad Hellsing. I'm gonna have fun shaking up that place." 

"I don't know much about it," admitted Hermione. "My family is non magical -- Muggle, as the wizards put it." 

"Well, if you have trouble, look me up," I grinned. We had finished picking up our books by now. 

Alucard and I quickly collected the remaining required textbooks, then I looked up at him. 

"What's my budget for extra books, again?," I asked. 

"Twenty pounds," Alucard said. "I'll cover anything over, as long as you include some curse books!" 

We had a quiet laugh at this, attracting a few odd looks from people in odd clothing. I turned to look at the shelves, then drew out a book called "Absolute Anarchy: How To Scare Your Friends And Frighten Your Enemies" by I. H. Eight. This was gonna be a great year. 

In the end, I had picked up about fifteen extra books on curses, theory, transformations, shapeshifting, and some on potions. Also in the small shopping basket, or cauldron as the case was, was the equipment for brewing potions. The shopkeeper gave me a very nervous look when we lugged the many pounds of paper to the counter, but Alucard explained it away as being for him, for research. He ended up having to do the eye hypnotism thing to get the clerk to stop annoying us about it, after the clerk shrunk the books for us. 

We quickly left the shop as the shopkeeper said "There... is... no problem" repeatedly, hoping no one realised it was us. Thankfully, Madam Malkin had the robes ready by now. 

In the apothecary, I resisted the urge to ask if they sold anything to mask the godawful smell of all those ingredients! How the man lived in there, I have no idea. We got the basic Hogwarts collection, and Alucard got a custom collection of items that I didn't really recognise, adding the bags to our collection. 

And the best part of /that/ was that the strong vampire couldn't ask me, who had a ten year old body, to carry any of it! 

Out in the street, Alucard looked at me. "We still have to get an animal, and some other books they don't sell in that bookshop." 

"What kind of animal?," I asked. 

"Cat, owl, toad, rat or snake," Alucard said from memory. "Those have been the rules for at least eight hundred years." 

"Can't stand vermin or birds," I said, "so it'll have to be cat or snake. And I can't give a cat the attention it'd need, and snakes are cool." 

The vampire looked at me, surprised. "You like them?" 

I nodded. "Back where I come from, there are no snakes. Why did you say at least eight hundred years?" 

"I haven't been in touch with them for the last two hundred." 

The pet shop was much like I remember normal petshops, full of noisy animals and noisy people. The only changes were the animals and the books, which included titles like "Your Rat And You," by R. A. Tree. 

I dragged the vampire over to the snake tanks, careful not to startle them by getting too close, then gasped as I heard something. 

They were talking. 

"A-A-Alucard?," I whispered. 

"What?" 

"Are they supposed to be talking?" 

Hellsing's best operative grinned madly at this. "Only to people who can hear and talk to them. It looks like you got something from my blood, Vlad." 

"*Sstupid humanss,*" one snake said. It was long, and a dark tan colour. The inside of the mouth was black. "*They can't sstand to look at uss, but keep uss all the same.*" 

"*People are stupid,*" I said experimentally, "*and full of stupid prejudices.*" 

The snake's head whipped around to look at me, and it raised itself to get a better look. "*You can sspeak to me?*" 

"*Looks like it,*" I shrugged. "*One more weird thing about magic.*" 

"*Well, Vlad, it looks like you've found your companion,*" Alucard said. I wasn't surprised that he could do this speaking to snakes thing -- apparently I'd gotten it from his blood. 

I got the distinct impression of a grin, although it was plainly impossible for the snake. "*A willing companion, no less.*" 

Alucard reached his hand into the tank, unafraid of any of the other snakes in there, and the snake that we were talking to slithered up his arm easily on the outside of his coat sleeve. It was about four feet long and thin. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" 

In case you hadn't guessed, that is the sound of a shopful of people screaming as Alucard and I walked fearlessly to the counter, the snake coiled around Alucard's arm. 

"How much?," Alucard asked, smirking. 

"F-free," the clerk, a teenaged boy, said. 

Us three had a good laugh at that outside. Then we went onto a shop marked 'Ollivanders: Makers Of Fine Wands since 382 BC.' A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion on the display. I guess you don't need to advertise very hard when people have to buy from you. A small bell rang as we entered. 

"Ah, yes," a voice said. "It's good to see you again, Alucard." 

I jumped turning to see an old man with large, silvery eyes. 

"I see the shop has prospered since my initial investment," Alucard said. "I've come for the boy to get his wand, and an athame for him." 

Mr Ollivander nodded. "Of course. Now, Mr Hellsing, let me see... which arm is your wand arm?" 

I stood still, wordlessly holding my right arm up in the air. I assumed my writing arm would suffice. A measuring tape started moving around me of it's own volition as the old shopkeeper began moving around the shop, picking up various wands. 

"Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr Hellsing. Of course, you'd know this, living with one of the senior partners. We use Unicorn hair, phoenix tail feathers, and dragon heartstrings. No two wands are alike, and each is particular to a wizard. Now, let me see... 

"Try this one," he continued, holding up a wand. "Oak and dragon heartstring, ten inches. Yes, give it a wave. No, try this one, yew, unicorn hair eight inches... no..." 

He continued like this through what felt like half the stock of the shop before he produced one that did something. 

"This one, kauri and dragon heartstring. Thirteen inches, only kauri wand I made, rather exotic wood from New Zealand... yes, that's it!" 

A stream of silver sparks flew through the darkness of the shop. Mr Ollivander took the wand off me, putting it back in it's box and wrapping it in brown paper. 

"A beginner's knife, too," Alucard said before Ollivander rang up the price. The old man put a foot long one sided knife into a box and wrapped that up, too. 

"What's the difference?," I asked. "Between a wand and a knife." 

"The wand is easier to learn for higher magic," Alucard said, "while the knife is better for low level magic." 

"Fifteen Galleons," Mr Ollivander said. Alucard paid him. 

Outside the shop, I stopped Alucard to catch my breath mentally. 

"So, we've got everything now except for a few books?," I asked. 

"*I hope so,*" the snake hissed. "*Vampire, I want to move to Vlad's shoulders.*" 

"*Your command,*" Alucard said mockingly as he let the snake slide down his arm to my shoulders. It wound itself around my neck, most of its tail wound around my right arm. 

The vampire hushed me quickly while we moved down a side alley that didn't get much sunlight. A sign above a shop selling evil smelling candles announced that it was 'Knockturn Alley.' He told me to wait outside while he got some books. I sat on the steps to the shop, which was marked 'Borgin and Burkes.' 

"*Are you poisonous?,*" I asked the snake. 

It replied affirmatively. 

"*I would advise you to not bite anyone,*" I said to it. "*Other people react adversely to death.*" 

"*Sstrange, that,*" the snake agreed. 

"*You're surprisingly intelligent,*" I commented. 

"*Are you trying to ssay ssomesing?*" 

"*No, not at all, just surprised at how smart you seem to be. I mean, you can understand the English language.*" 

"*Mosst of my kind can,*" it said with some pride. 

"*Do you have a name and a gender?*" 

"*Ssar. I am male,*" he said dryly. "*And your vampire is coming back.*" 

I turned around to see that Alucard was, indeed, coming out of the shop with half a dozen more books. We then went back to the Nissan outside the pub and the magical street. 

"You have to remember one thing," he said as we drove back to Hellsing Manor. "Wizards today are blind." 

I thought this over. "You mean they perceive the world as black and white, when it's really shades of grey?" 

Alucard nodded. "They don't like their illusions being shattered. My advice to you for Hogwarts is to find a complex of unused rooms and ward them as your own once you've learnt how. There are miles and wings of unused areas that no one's gone near for centuries. Claim a workroom and learn what I'm giving you in secret, telling no one." 

"Grey skills?," I asked. "Like Walter's computer hacking?" 

Alucard nodded. 

I grinned. "Hacking reality is gonna be /fun/." 

* * * 

It had been about two weeks since the shopping trip. I had been reading the book, but was unable to try using my new wand since the letter had forbidden underage magic. 

Somehow, with much swearing, I had managed to fit all my books, herbs, and clothes into the chest that Walter had given me. I think Integra tended to avoid me because of my tendencies towards bad language. Then I tried picking up the trunk. 

G*DD*MM*T! 

I didn't know books weighed that much. And they seemed so light... I guess thirty odd books, three hundred CDs and a laptop computer add up. Alucard had a good laugh at me from the doorway. 

"The hell of it is that I've read about some spells to lighten or shrink it," I muttered. 

"*Poor Vlad can't take everything?,*" Ssar mocked from my bed, which had a hot water bottle under the covers. 

"Use the knife," Alucard suggested. "They can't detect that." 

I got the athame out from the chest and drew it from it's sheath. It resembled a tanto in shape. "Okay, oh wise one, how do I use it?" 

The vampire moved over to me, guiding my right hand holding the knife. "The following motions make an object shrink and lighten. Feel the power along the edge as you move it... yes, like that." 

As he guided my hand, and thus the knife, a complex design made of lines of light grew in the air. With the final, stabbing motion, it descended onto the chest. The wooden container shrank abruptly to a manageable size. 

"Thanks!," I said. 

"*You're forgetting something,*" Ssar said. "*Teach the boy how to unshrink it.*" 

"Like this." 

And he did a similar, but far simpler series of guiding motions which unshrank the chest. 

"Won't this disrupt any magical things in it?," I asked. 

"So only use it on your books." 

"What now?" 

"Practice." 

And so I did, with much comments from the peanut gallery on my bed. 


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: The author is inserted into the HP universe, via the Hellsing Institute. 

Crossover: Hellsing 

Category: Self Insertion 

Disclaimer: I own all! All, I say! Hahaha-*bzzzzzzzzt* ... pretty lawyers... ownering lawyers... ooo, lookit da sparks... 

Feedback: I'm an attention wh0re! 

Pre-fic Comments: 

I was completely impartial regarding which House Harry went in. I assigned one even numbers, the other odd, and used a die to decide. Three rolls, three even numbers. 

There may be a fair amount of Hellsing before I get into the HP stuff. This is the first HP fic I've done, so be kind. Some bad language and swearing is in this. 

To clear things up, the character inserted already knows about Hellsing, but not HarryPotter. 

Wordage in parseltongue is formatted "*like this.*" Wordage in mental kinda speak is ~like this.~ 

* * * 

The train trip to Hogwarts was... unique. The train ticket had '9 3/4' marked as the platform for departure. Walter loaded my chest (containing shrunken books and normal everything else) into the boot of Integra's Rolls Royce, and we left for Kings Cross train station. Ssar was under my shirt, wrapped around my torso, with his head peeking out from my collar. 

"There will be school owls to send us mail," Integra said on the way there. "I expect a status report once a week." 

"Seras will come in two weeks to check on you," Alucard said from the front seat. "The Headmaster has been told, and knows that she's a vampire." 

"Okay," I said. "Hey, do you know anything about a Draco Malfoy?" 

"Yes, why?" 

"I met him at Madam Malkins, while we were getting new clothes. He seemed like a smart guy." 

"The Malfoys have always been rather... /aware/ of class," Walter said from the driver's seat. 

"Gotcha." It looked like I was gonna have to work on him. 

"We're here, Lady Integra." 

"Have you got your bag of goodies?," Alucard asked me. I held up a schoolbag in reassurance. The vampire had put a spell on it that ensured the inside was larger than it's actual capacity. 

As we got out of the expensive car, a newer model pulled up behind it. Draco and his family. 

"... and Draco, you're to act as behooves your station," a beautiful woman said as a servant of some sort loaded his chest onto a trolley. 

"Yes, Mother," he said, then spotted me. "Ah, Hellsing! Good to see you again!" 

Integra pulled out one of her small cigars, lighting it. "Narcissus, Lucius, Draco. Good to see you." 

The older man turned to look at the blonde woman. "Lady Hellsing, how good to see you. I met your father once, a credit to your family. Is there another meeting for the Twelve Conventions, since the last one was interrupted so rudely?" 

Integra nodded gravely. Personally, I couldn't imagine how someone could dismiss two vampires and an army of zombies as 'rude'. 

"Come on, Vlad!," Draco said, tugging my hand before his mother gave him a small, but stern glare for his lack of manners. Draco, Alucard, Walter and I began walking towards Platforms 9 and 10. 

"Right," I said. "Alucard, I can take care of my stuff now." 

"Have you got your ticket?," Walter asked. I held up the stub of paper to reassure him. 

"I've also got all my letters, books, supplies," I reassured him. "And that insurance we spoke of." 

Walter smiled widely. "Use it wisely." 

"Come on," Alucard said, "through this wall here." 

I looked at it. It stretched between the 9 and 10 platforms, and blindingly obviously hid a secret platform of some sort. The people around me ignored it. I moved towards it, activating the phasing through pendant that Alucard had given me. 

On the other side, I accidentally moved through a motherly woman escorting a small horde of redheaded children. 

"Sorry," I apologised. 

She turned around while I re-solidified. "Nothing done, don't worry dear." 

Behind me, Draco and Alucard went through. Alucard had phased out Draco, a hand on his shoulder. 

A pair of boys who looked about thirteen goggled at the three of us. "Did you... phase through?" 

I blinked. "Yeah, Alucard gave me a pendant for it." 

Draco pulled my arm. "Come on, Hellsing, or we won't get a good compartment." 

"Later, Alucard!," I yelled. "Come visit sometime!" 

The vampire grinned at us as we got on the train, hauling our chests behind us. Together, Draco and I got a compartment that was still bereft of other students. 

"This is going to be great!," Draco enthused. "Where have Crabbe and Goyle gotten to?" 

"Crabbe and Goyle?," I asked. "Friends?" 

"Servants," Draco explained. "They're useful for work, but rarely for thought." 

"Perhaps we'll luck out and they'll stay with the jocks, then," I said dryly. 

A boy opened the door hesitantly. He was rather short, with black hair and green eyes. "Is it okay if I sit in here?" 

"I know you!," I said. "You were at the pub with that friend of Alucard's! Come, have a seat." 

Draco gaped as he recognised the boy. "You're... you're the Boy Who Lived, aren't you?!" 

"Yeah, I'm Harry Potter," Harry said, pulling his shaggy hair back to show a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. 

"So, that's where You Know Who tried to kill you?," Draco asked. 

"Never take a career as a psychologist, Draco," I remarked. "And I don't know who -- could you elaborate?" 

Harry looked up. "An evil wizard - Voldemort killed my parents and... when he tried to kill me, it rebounded on him." 

"He's famous, Hellsing," Draco said. 

"Call me Vlad, please. That would explain why he got mobbed at the Leaky Cauldron, then." 

I opened my bag, digging through it until I found a paper bag. I pulled it out and offered it around. "Russian Caramel, anyone?" 

Harry took two, and Draco had a careful look at them before taking four. "Er... what are these?" 

"Sugar, mainly," Harry said, chewing on one. "It's been years since I had one!" 

I grinned as I had one myself. "I'm going to form a group once we're at Hogwarts, for pranks and secret plans and such. Are you two in?" 

Another boy poked his head in through the door. He had shaggy red hair. "Can I sit here? Only the rest of the train is full." 

"Weasley," Draco said, a tone of disdain colouring his voice. "The family with more children than Galleons." 

"Quiet, Draco," I growled. "Feel free to sit in here." 

The boy did so, sitting next to Harry and giving Draco a nasty look. 

"Russian caramel?," I offered. The boy took ten. 

"I'm Ron," he introduced himself. Harry and I introduced ourselves. 

"Riffraff," Draco sniffed, while Ron wow'ed over Harry Potter talking to him. 

"Draco, you're being stupid," I said. "What is the basis for your behaviour? Give me a good, solid reason." 

Draco looked horrified. "The Weasleys have no money and no estate!" 

"From the sound of it," I said, "they've got plenty of people, which outweights the lack of money." 

"He's right," Ron said. "Last time a goblin insulted cousin Murray at Gringotts Bank, Mum got the whole Weasley clan to withdraw their money." 

Draco blushed bright red. "Perhaps you may have something there. Isn't Gringotts still giving your family that special interest rate?" 

"What?," Harry asked. 

"They lost a lot of potential income until Grout apologised," Draco explained. 

Ron Weasley gave Draco a hard look. "You might not be too bad for a Malfoy." 

"You're stereotyping too," I said. Weasley had the decency to blush at this. 

A witch came along with a trolley, selling lollies. "Anything off the cart, dears?" 

Draco bought a fair amount, and Harry bought something of everything. 

"You buying anything, Vlad?," Ron asked. 

"No thanks, got plenty here," I said, holding up my bag. "Nice time for lunch." 

Ron got out some sandwiches, and looked at them. "She always forgets I don't like corned beef." 

"Swap you for one of these," Harry said, holding up a pastry he had bought. "Go on..." 

Draco looked about to open his gob again, so I elbowed him before he said something rude. He gave me a hurt look until I gave him the last of the Russian Caramels. 

"You don't want this," Ron said, "it's all dry. Of course, she hasn't got much time, with all five of us..." 

"Go on..." Harry said, who looked happy to be sharing. 

I dug through my bag, around my other travelling things, until I found another paper bag. I brought it out of the black bag and opened it. 

"Lessee... what did I have in here... ah ha!" 

"What, Vlad?," Draco asked. "Something decent?" 

"Meat pies, anyone?," I asked, pulling four inch sized cubes from the paper bag. I had practiced my shrinking spell Alucard had taught me on them as well as the books. 

"Uh... they're kinda small," Harry pointed out. 

"*I want one,*" Ssar said, who had woken up. "*That rat the boy has will do nicely.*" 

Ron got up in a hurry, scattering chocolate frogs on the floor. "Snake!" 

"Sit down," I commanded. "Ssar isn't going to hurt you unless you step on him. Ssar, leave the rat alone." 

"*Can't have any fun,*" the snake complained as it slithered into my lap, and coiled up. 

"Can... can I touch him?," Harry asked. 

"Sure, but don't hurt him," I said. Ssar stiffened at Harry approaching me, then relaxed once Harry proved to not be hostile. "He's somewhat nervous." 

"Pies, Vlad?," Draco prompted. I pulled my knife from the bag as well, and went through the motions to undo the shrinking spell. 

"Bugger," I muttered, looking at the cold pies. "I can't remember how to heat them up." 

"A-aren't snakes not allowed?," Harry asked. 

"According to Alucard, they've been allowed at Hogwarts for at least eight hundred years," I said. 

"He's right," Ron said. "Snakes aren't illegal, they're just... not mentioned." 

"And most won't touch them due to Lord Vo--uh, You Know Who," Draco continued. He and Ron were still giving each other nasty looks, but they appeared to have agreed to disagree. "I know a heating spell! /Infernus!/" 

Four somewhat charred pies later, we were licking our fingers. 

"Walter makes damn good pies," I said. 

A bushy-haired girl poked her head in the door. "Have any of you seen Neville's toad?" 

"*I was ssaving it for laters,*" Ssar complained. "*In the corner.*" 

I sighed. "In the corner there. Ssar was apparently saving it for later." 

She laughed, assuming I was joking. "Right, I'll take it to him. Uh... on second thought, I'll go get Neville and /he/ can pick it up." 

"Don't blame the mudblood," Draco muttered. "Who'd want to pick up a slimy toad..." 

Harry looked at a card he'd gotten from a Chocolate Frog packet. "So, this is Dumbledore." 

He held it up proudly for the rest of us to look at. It had a picture of an old guy with a brief description underneath. The man in the picture winked at us, then walked out of the frame and disappeared. 

"Don't tell me you've never heard of Dumbledore!," Ron said. 

"Yes, even Weasley has heard of him," Draco said. 

"Can I have a frog? I might get Agrippa," Ron asked. Harry handed him a Frog packet. 

Draco frowned at a card he'd pulled from a Frog packet. "I've got one here, but I've already got five. Have you got a Francis Bacon?" 

The two boys from differing social classes carefully swapped cards, as if the other had poured poisoned their card somehow. The girl from before opened the door, a roundfaced boy right behind her. 

"Trevor!," the boy yelled, spotting the toad. He picked him up and left for his own compartment. 

"Hermione, right?," I asked, placing the girl. "From the bookshop?" 

"That's right, you're Vlad Hellsing, who was going to shake the place up!," she grinned. "Mind if I stay here?" 

"Go for it," I said. "Pie?" 

I unshrunk a pie for her, and Draco heated it. It was a bit less overcooked this time -- he'd learnt from the previous four slightly burnt pies. 

"Thanks!," she said, licking her fingers afterwards. "Good pies, who makes them?" 

"Walter, the butler at Hellsing." 

Ron pulled out a wand, looking at the rat sleeping on his lap. "Scabbers might have died, and you wouldn't know the difference." 

"Apart from the smell," I dryly observed. 

"I doubt the smell would change much, Vlad," Draco added. 

"I tried to turn him yellow yesterday to make him more interesting, but the spell didn't work," Ron continued, ignoring us. "Here, I'll show you." 

The red headed boy cleared his throat. "Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow." 

The sleeping rat resolutely stayed grey and somnolent. 

"Are you sure that's a real spell?" said the girl. "Well, it's not very good, is it? I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked for me. Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course, I mean, it's the very best school of witchcraft there is, I've heard -- I've learned all our course books by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough -- I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?" 

I blinked. "Do you breathe?" 

Hermione gave me a hurt look. 

"Malfoy, Draco Malfoy," Draco introduced himself. 

"Ron Weasley." 

"Bond, James Bond," I said. Harry and Hermione laughed while Draco and Ron looked at me weirdly. "Seriously, though, Vlad Hellsing." 

"Harry Potter," Harry said. 

"Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course -- I got a few extra books, for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century." 

"We've been lying to you," I snapped. "In reality, we all got extremely drunk and scarred him for life like that on a bet." 

/Everyone/ gave me a weird look for that comment. 

The girl proceeded to talk about the four Houses -- Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff -- before leaving to see whether Neville still had his toad. I mentioned Alucard's explanation of the Houses -- Harry seemed quite impressed by the description of the No Life King, and the fact that Draco had a signed photo that Ron was jealous of. 

"Good set of lungs on her," I said. 

"No need to be nasty," Ron said. He was hoping that everyone would forget that spell that was supposed to turn his rat yellow. 

"True, though," Draco agreed. 

"Where was I before? Oh yeah. Group. Who of you are in?," I demanded. 

"Sure!," Ron said. 

"I might as well," Draco agreed. 

"Okay," said Harry. 

"I've got a good name for it," I decided. "Legion of Doom." 

"I dunno," Ron said. "Sounds kinda evil." 

"You'd prefer Legion of Flower Pickers, Weasley?," Draco asked. 

"What about Legion of Destruction?," Harry offered. 

"We'll use L O D for now, and decide on the words later. Now, codenames." 

"You've certainly got it all figured out," Ron said. 

"I'm Lord Vetinari," I decided. "A reference to a series of fictional books I doubt you've read." 

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Very well then, I am D'Eathe." 

"Very clever," Ron said approvingly. "Harry?" 

"Uh, I don't know," he said slowly. 

I looked at him carefully. "Shadow? Night? Noir? You wouldn't get noticed much if it wasn't for that scar." 

"I like Noir," Harry said. 

"And I," Ron said, rubbing his hands together, "shall be... Duke Wellington!" 

All of us, bar Ron, blinked. 

"Duke Wellington?," I asked incredulously. 

"You got a problem with that?," Ron asked challengingly. 

"No, no," I said quickly. "You can't tell anyone about the group, or who has what names, because then they'll know." 

"Well, that's settled," Draco said, leaning back against his seat. "What next?" 

"Music," I decided, pulling out a boombox from my capacious bag and a Godsmack album. 

I pushed play, and 'Sick Of Life' began playing. None of them had heard it, but they looked as if they liked it. 

"Is this... muggle music?," Draco asked, his face torn between loathing and loving. 

"Yeah," I replied over the music. "I'm going to do a prank with this at some stage!" 

A prefect opened the door, glaring at us all. "Turn that muggle contraption off! We're almost there, so get your robes on! And leave the trunks here!" 

"Bloody uptight asshole," I muttered as we all got changed. Ssar hissed at me when I got up. 

Somehow, I managed to stuff my jeans and tshirt into my bag as well as the boombox. Ron, Harry and Draco settled for stuffing them in their trunks. It was obviously evening, as the sky darkened. We left our trunks in the compartment as ordered -- I left my bag on top of it, tucking my wand and knife into a pocket in the robes. Ssar decided to go under my robes around my arm and shoulder, looking from my collar again. 

Ron's robe was slightly too short for him, and you could see his sneakers. Mercifully, Draco decided to /not/ pass comment on it. I kept telling myself that I was wearing a done-up trenchcoat, and not a dress. 

The train had stopped at a small platform, and it was too dark to see much of the surroundings. A lamp bounced it's way above the heads of the students, accompanied by a cry of "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?" 

The four of us looked to see Hagrid grinning at us. Draco opened his mouth to make another cutting comment before I silenced him. 

"Remind me to talk to you later about how it's better to make friends than enemies," I hissed. 

"C'mon," Hagrid bellowed. "Any more firs' years? Mind yer step now! Firs' years follow me!" 

And so I and the crowd of other eleven year olds followed after the massive man. The path was narrow, and many kids slipped and stumbled. The toad boy, Neville, sniffed once or twice. 

"Shit, how did they get the construction materials to build the bloody place there?," I complained. 

"This is for the firs' years, Vlad!," Hagrid explained at volume. "The other years take the short way!" 

"Lucky us," Draco said sarcastically.. I had to agree with his tone. 

"*Stupid humanss,*" Ssar grumbled. The walk was getting on his nerves. 

"Ye all get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid called out, "jus' around this bend here!" 

Everyone ooh'ed and ahh'ed as we saw the school. It was as if there had been a small mountain there that had had the peak truncated, and the top carved into buildings. A black lake lay in front of it, reflecting the many turrets and towers. 

"No more'n four to a boat!," Hagrid commanded in a drill sergeant way, pointing to a fleet of small boats. Draco, Ron, Harry and I quickly commandeered our own boat. 

"Everyone in?," the giant asked. He had a boat to himself. "Righ' then - FORWARD!" 

The flotilla of little dinghies moved forwards in synchrony across the dark, moonlit lake. Everyone was silent, until Draco started pushing Ron. 

"Stop it, you moron!," I hissed. "If you piss about in a boat, you'll have the lot of us overboard, then you can damn well explain why we're turning up looking like drowned rats!" 

"Heads down!," Hagrid shouted as the first boats moved under the cliff, where the lake continued into a cave. 

The cave continued until the boats reached an underground harbour, right underneath the school itself. All the new students, including me, climbed out of the boats onto the rocks and pebbles. 

"Oy, you there!," Hagrid said to one boy. "Is this your toad?" 

"Trevor!," Neville yelled, taking the amphibian from Hagrid. 

Hagrid led us up a passageway to a large grassy area outside the outsized castle, to where the front door was. 

"Everyone here? You, there, still got yer toad?" 

The giant banged on the door a few times. Obediantly, they opened to reveal a witch in emerald green robes with square rimmed glasses, looking very... disciplined. 

"Who's been feeding her lemons?," Ron whispered, before Hermione made him be quiet. 

"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," Hagrid said. 

We were lead into a small chamber to the side of the entrance hall, which itself was large enough for a suburban house to fit in. Hundreds of voices could be heard through a door leading from the chamber elsewhere. 

"Welcome to Hogwarts," she said, then continued to explain the basics about the Houses, and the House Points. I didn't really pay that much attention -- Alucard had already told me about that. 

"I shall return when we are ready for you," she finished. "Please wait quietly." 

Ron, Harry and some of the other boys tried to smarten themselves up a bit. 

"How exactly do they sort us into houses?," Harry asked Ron, looking quite nervous. 

"Some sort of test, I think," Ron replied. "Fred said it hurt a lot, but I think he was joking." 

"Alucard said something about a talking hat," I offered. "He refused to tell me any more." 

"You don't think it'll try to eat us?," Ron whispered. 

I rolled my eyes. 

About twenty ghosts phased through the walls from the hall with the voices, all talking. They were pearly white and transparent. One of them spotted us, then began talking before McGonagall opened the door. The noise from the Hall became a lot louder. 

"Now, form a line," she commanded, "and follow me." 

We obediantly trailed behind her, like a group of ducklings following a mother duck. 

Oh. My. God. 

The hall was /huge/! 

Four long, long tables stretched the length of the hall, with candles suspended in mid air lighting them. At one end, another table had the teachers sitting at it. Harry, mainly to avoid looking at people, looked up. He grabbed Ron and I, getting us to look up. 

"It's bewitched to look like the sky outside," Hermione whispered. "I read about it in Hogwarts: A History." 

"Congratulations," Draco snapped. 

"That's one of the first things we change," I said to the other three boys. We abruptly went silent as the Professor stopped in front of a stool with a hat on top. 

The hat twitched, then a large slash opened up, much like a mouth. Then came the song. The horrible, horrible song. Perhaps it's just my cynical nature, but I didn't think much of the actual melody or rhyming. All it did was sum up the Houses, and say that it was going to Sort which house we went in. 

Yes, I was nervous. I'm always nervous as hell in front of large groups of strange people. 

"So we've just got to try on the hat!," Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll!" 

Harry smiled nervously, incapable of speech. Professor McGonagall stepped forth, bearing a long roll of parchment. 

"When I call out your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she announced. "Abbot, Hannah!" 

Some blonde girl stumbled forwards, put on the hat, and sat on the stool. A moment later, the hat yelled "HUFFLEPUFF!" 

I settled down for a wait, dozing off until she got to the G's, at least. 

"Granger, Hermione!" 

"GRYFFINDOR!" 

Ron Weasley groaned. 

"Heckel, William!" 

"RAVENCLAW!" 

"Hellsing, Vladimir!" 

Recognising my new name, I walked to the stool. 

"Can I have a moment," I whispered to the professor in a 'lost little boy' tone that I had practiced. She nodded. 

"If you don't put me in Slytherin I'm gonna use you as firestarting material!," I hissed at the hat. I then sat on the stool and jammed it on my head. 

~Effective threat,~ the hat said to me, ~but I would have put you anyway in--~ 

"SLYTHERIN!," it yelled out loud. 

Feeling tremendously relieved, I walked over to the Slytherin table, sitting down on one of the free seats. Ron gave me a nasty look. 

"*You owe me for that cold ride here,*" Ssar hissed to me. 

A few names later, Draco too was chosen for Slytherin. He sat next to me. After a 'Sally-Anne Perks' girl, it was Harry's turn. He sat on the stool, put on the hat, and a moment later the hat shouted "SLYTHERIN!" Harry decided to sit on my other side. 

Ron gave me a really nasty look after that. He ended up in Gryffindor. 

Once the Sorting was done, Professor McGonagall rolled up the long parchment scroll and took away the Hat. At the head table, Albus Dumbledore got up. If I recalled correctly, he was the Headmaster. He looked extremely old. 

"Welcome!," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I'd like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" 

Everyone clapped to this, apart from some of my new house. Then the food appeared. I grabbed some potatoes, roast beef and peas, then asked Harry to keep an eye on my plate. 

I walked down to where the Slytherin prefects were sitting, and started talking to one. 

"Hi, I assume you're the prefect that's going to make an important announcement to us first years later?," I asked. 

"Yeah, I'm Flint," the older boy said. "Why?" 

"I'd like to say something at a complete House gathering," I said quietly. "I'll pay, if necessary." 

"Five Galleons," Flint said quietly to me. I dug around in my robes then produced the money and gave it to him. 

"If you cheat me, you'll regret it," I said. 

I'm not quite sure why he believed me so much. Perhaps he saw Ssar looking at him. Moving back to my seat, I began eating my tea. 

"Where were you?," Harry asked. 

"Just sorting the first prank out," I whispered to him and Draco. "I'll explain later." 


	3. Chapter 3

Summary: The author is inserted into the HP universe, via the Hellsing Institute. 

Crossover: Hellsing 

Category: Self Insertion 

Disclaimer: I own all! All, I say! Hahaha-*bzzzzzzzzt* ... pretty lawyers... ownering lawyers... ooo, lookit da sparks... 

Feedback: I'm an attention wh0re! 

Pre-fic Comments: 

This will probably be shorter than the previous two parts. Sorry. 

lovelydarkness: I really like Hellsing, and it seemed natural to mix it with Harry Potter. I doubt the Ministry could keep vampires down if it tried. Thanks :) 

Alex DarkFire: Thanks! I'll try :) 

* * * 

The food was rather good, to tell the truth. Harry ripped into it like it was going to disappear, and Draco ate like someone at a dinner party. With Draco's blonde hair, and Harry's ebon black hair, they were like day and night. 

"*Do you want anything?,*" I asked Ssar. 

"*I'll catch my own,*" the snake said. "*I like it when my food is still moving.*" 

Harry looked up from my left at the snake. "*That's gross!*" 

Everyone's heads whipped around to look at Harry. They'd heard that I could speak with snakes, but they hadn't heard that the Boy Who Lived could. 

"Er, why are you all staring at me?," Harry asked nervously. 

"I'd say it's because you can speak to Ssar here," I said. 

"Parseltongue, it's called," Draco added. "It's a fairly rare gift, thought only to be possessed by Salazar Slytherin's descendants." 

"You can add Alucard's descendants and family to that list," I said. 

A ghost drifted down to talk to us. It was gaunt, and had a silvery bloodstain on his robes. 

"I understand that your father is Lucius Malfoy?," he asked Draco in a croaky voice. 

"Ah, yes," Draco said. "Are you the Bloody Baron, sir?" 

"Indeed," the ghost affirmed. "I knew your father while he was attending this establishment." 

"Excuse me, Baron, but might I make your acquaintance?," I asked, mentally slipping into 'long words mode.' "My name is Vlad Hellsing, blood brother of Alucard." 

The Baron turned to look at me. "Ah, a Hellsing. A fine family, one of the best. I'm afraid that I didn't speak to your mother while she was here, but I'm a long term friend of Alucard. Is he still as bloodthirsty as ever?" 

"Indeed," I said. "He serves well as a vampire hunter. And this, sir Baron, is Harry Potter, who defeated Lord Voldemort at a very early age." 

Around us, the students in earshot cringed when I said You Know Who's name. Except for a handful of Slytherin students. 

"Uh, hello," Harry said hesitantly. 

"A pleasure to meet you, boy," the Baron said. "I must meet with the other House Slytherin students -- I talk with you at length anon." 

About then, we had all finished our food and the food disappeared from the plates, leaving them sparklingly clean. A moment later, dessert appeared on them. 

"So, Draco, tell us about yourself," I said. 

"I'd rather talk about what this prank is that you mentioned," the blonde boy said. 

I grabbed him by the ear, shook him, then let go. "Draco, if I tell you here, then everyone who can hear us as well will hear it, won't they? Use your head." 

"Vlad, what are we going to do about Ron?," Harry asked. "He doesn't look very happy with us." 

The red haired boy was indeed still shooting us dirty looks. 

"I'm gonna grab him by the ear later and make him listen," I grumbled. 

"What was your first accidental magic?," Draco asked. "Mine was burning up a sheet of music when I didn't care to practice my piano lessons one day." 

"The first I can remember?," Harry asked. "I was at the zoo, and a boa constrictor wanted to go home. So I made the glass disappear." 

Everyone around us laughed at that. 

"The muggles must have loved that!," one boy said. I think his name was Blaise Zabini, or Zabuto, something like that. 

"Uncle Vernon was hopping mad," Harry grinned. 

"What was yours, Vlad?," Draco asked me. 

I decided to play with their heads. "Lo, the skies opened, and a ray of purest light descended from the heavens, and behold, I rose into the lofty airs of majesty, and a choir of angels bowed the knee to me." 

I got a lot of very weird looks again. 

The unseen servers decided at that point that dessert was finished, as the food began disappearing again off the plates. At the head table, the man with long white hair and a gaudy robe got to his feet. 

"Who's that?," I whispered. 

"Dumbledore," Draco hissed. "He's the Headmaster!" 

"Ahem," the old man began, "just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you. First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well." 

Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the redhead twins I had met at the platform. 

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch. And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death." 

Harry laughed at this. I considered almost everyone here to be mad, and didn't. 

"He's not serious?," he asked an older student near us. 

"Probably," the student muttered. "He normally has a reason -- dangerous creatures in the forest, that sort of thing." 

And then? Another truly stupid, insipid song. Except that this one had the students singing along as well. 

I, along with almost all the other Slytherins, declined to sing. 

"Ah, music," the Headmaster said, wiping his eyes dry. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!" 

The Prefect I had spoken to earlier, Flint, then collected all us first year students and had us follow him. We followed him through all the people who were moving around, out of the Great Hall, and down a staircase to the side of the marble staircase. He led us through some secret passages behind some statues, then we walked. And walked. And walked. Most of the students were too tired to notice, but the portraits on the walls pointed at us, talking to themselves. Kinda like flatscreen television. 

Thank God we didn't have to drag our trunks with us, that's all else I'm saying about the amount of time we spent walking. 

Eventually, he stopped at a painting of an aristocratic man, thin, dressed in silver and green. 

"Password?," the man asked. 

"Absolution," Flint said. The painting swung to one side, revealing a large hole in the wall. 

Inside was the rectangular common room. A large fireplace was lit at the other end, and sconces on the walls were lit as well. There was a colour scheme of silver, black and green. Armchairs and sofas dotted the room. The prefect stood just in front of the fire, assuming an oratorial position. Draco and I nabbed a sofa for ourselves, Harry sitting in the middle. 

"Welcome to House Slytherin," Flint said. "Look around you -- these are the only people likely to ally with you. I strongly suggest you drop any ideas now of making enemies of your House mates, as you will have enemies aplenty in the other Houses. Slytherin is, after all, the House that You Know Who was in. And now for a word from one of your fellow firsts." 

The second to last sentence was delivered in a dry tone. 

I got up, and cleared my throat. "Doubtless you heard about House Points. You must be wondering what kind of reward we get for having the most House Points." 

"A statue," Draco said loudly from the sofa. 

"Indeed," I said. "A statue, and some banners. Thrilling. I propose that we create a record unequalled in a thousand years of Hogwarts history -- the first year to have the most negative House Points!" 

"But we need to get good House Points!," one girl moaned. I think her name was Pansy, or Daisy, something floral. 

"They don't go on your Academic Record," Flint said. 

"But... but..." 

"And on that concise, information filled comment, I return the stage to our Prefect," I said, bowing slightly. 

"That was sooo cool!," Harry whispered to me. 

"The first year male dormitories are through that door," Flint said, indicating the portal stated. "The female dormitories are that way. Penalties will be applied should we find you in the inappropriate dormitories for any reason. Your belongings have been placed in front of your beds by the house elves. Breakfast is at seven in the morning, and the first lessons start at nine." 

Flint directed the girls through a door, then directed us male first years through another. At the bottom of another staircase was a room, each with five four-poster beds. My trunk and bag was in the room, in front of a bed. 

"Ah, sweet sweet sleep," I said as I flopped onto the bed, not bothering with getting undressed or getting into it. 

Harry had a bed in the room, Draco another, the boy Blaise had one, and the last one belonged to Draco's friend Crabbe. They all pulled on their pajamas and got into bed. 

"Great food," Crabbe muttered. 

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but fell asleep. The rest of us quickly followed suit. 

* * * 

In the morning, most of the first years stumbled down to the Hall for breakfast in their pajamas. I pulled on my dre--no, coat, robe, anything but dress. Breakfast was spectacularly British, with toast and porridge. Whoopee. With effort, I managed to restrain my enthusiasm over the provided meal. 

A notice posted on the door to the Hall had our class timetable on it. Harry managed to find our first classroom fairly quickly, utilizing his celebrity status to ask some older students for directions. (One tipped us off not to trust a ghost called 'Peeves' for accurate directions.) 

We had Transfigurations first, taken with the Gryffindor first years. I grabbed a seat at a bench with Draco and Harry. 

"We've got a free period after this class," I hissed. "We'll talk then, okay?" 

"Where's the teacher?," Harry asked. 

"Isn't McGonagall supposed to be teaching this class?," Draco added. 

A cat lying at the front of the room got up, then transformed into the greying lady teacher that had met us at the doors to Hogwarts. 

"After learning enough, you will be able to accomplish animagi transformations if you so choose, and all of you will be able to do this," she said, turning her desk into a large pig then back into her desk. 

I looked at my left hand, imagining it covered in some metal armour that could not be removed and could be improved merely by thinking of it. I began to laugh softly. 

"Mr... Hellsing," she said coldly after checking the class list. "Kindly share what you consider so funny with the rest of the class." 

"Nothing, Miz," I said. 

"Keep it to yourself then," McGonagall snapped. "Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned." 

And then it came. The notes. My God, that woman could write. By the end of the lesson, we had two or three dense pages of the things. 

Afterwards, I grabbed Ron and Hermione, the two from the train, and started dragging them with us into an empty classroom. 

"Hey!," Ron protested. "Who do you think you are?" 

"Yeah," Hermione said. 

"Why do you hate me now?," Harry asked, clearly hurt by the rejection of someone willing at first to be a friend. 

"Because you're a /Slytherin!/," Ron said. 

I sighed. "Ron, if he had black skin and was in Gryffindor, would you reject him?" 

"What?," the redhead blinked. 

"Weasley, regardless of what your family believes, the Sorting Hat does not replace one's mind with a carbon copy of the Founder corresponding to their new House," Draco drawled. 

"I know that!," Ron protested. "But... you're now Slytherins." 

"Well," the girl, Hermione, said. "How about you continue to be friends with them, and if they're mean, then you dump them?" 

"That's a good idea," Harry said. "Vlad, can she be in the Legion?" 

"Legion?," Hermione asked. 

"Our little group," I said. "Are you in?" 

"Sure. You're already more than halfway to being my friends, anyway." 

"Then may I introduce us," I said. "I am, of course, Lord Vetinari." 

"I am D'Eathe," Draco said, with a florid bow. 

"Duke Wellington," Ron said, with an overdone grin. 

"I'm called Noir," Harry said. 

"And yourself, Granger?," Draco snapped. 

The brownhaired girl considered it. "Lady Eris." 

"How nice, a classical reference," I murmured. "Welcome to the Legion of Doom. What's your next class?" 

"Uh... Herbology." 

"We'll see you at lunchtime, then, Duke Wellington, Lady Eris," Harry said with a grin. 

As for us, we had Charms. The teacher was a tiny little man called Professor Flitwick. Flitwick had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk, and fell off the pile when he reached Harry's name when taking roll. 

"Normally," Flitwick said after rollcall, "I'd start the year off with teaching you all levitation. This year, however you're going to learn the art of illusion -- easy, straightforward, and harmless should you make a mistake!" 

He wrote a word on the board -- 'Illusio Butterflies.' "Now, take your wands, holding it like so for good grip and flexibility -- have you got it? No, Goyle, like /this/. Yes. Now, practice a swish and a flick like so. Swish and flick!" 

The small man wandered around the room as we practiced the movement he showed us. Once he was satisfied that our technique was satisfactory, he moved back to the front of the room. 

"Very good. Now, while doing the swish, pronounce the words 'Illusio Butterflies.' Be very careful to say ill luse e oh, or no one else will see the illusion! Team up with the person next to you." 

I ended up being with Draco, and Harry with Blaise. Draco effortlessly flicked his wand, creating a monarch butterfly as he said the necessary words. After a few false starts, so did I. 

"This is boring," I complained. 

"Indubitably," Draco agreed. 

I swished my wand again. "Illusio Panthera!" 

A small, pitch black panther appeared on my desk, wandering about as my mind directed. "This is cool." 

Zabini looked over from where he and Harry were making butterflies. "How'd you do that?" 

I waved a finger at them. "Sore wa himitsu desu!" 

"What?," Harry asked blankly. 

"That's a secret!" 

"What is?," Draco asked, getting annoyed. 

"That's what the phrase 'sore wa himitsu desu' means, Draco," Blaise Zabini explained. "It means 'That's a secret.'" 

"You're not supposed to tell them that!," I complained, annoyed. 

"How are you boys getting along?," Flitwick asked. He stood on a chair to look, and saw my little panther scratching behind it's ear with one of it's back feet. "Oh, very good! Which one of you did this?" 

"Hellsing did," Draco said. 

"Very good... how about yourself?" 

The rest of the lesson consisted of learning how to scale up the illusions. By the end of the lesson, the rest of the class had taken my lead and there was a small pride of lifesized panthers wandering around the classroom. 

* * * 

At lunch, I grabbed the two Gryffindor members of the Legion and we all sat at the end of the Slytherin table away from the teachers. 

"We've had a lesson on illusions just now," I said quietly, "and I've got a brilliant idea." 

"Create panic through liberal application of unreality?," asked Draco. 

"It has to be big," Ron said. "Big is good." 

"Even better is convincing," Hermione said. 

"All of you will be needed," I said, quickly sketching something on some paper. "I'll do the monster, Draco do the circle, Harry and Ron the damage, and Hermione will hide us." 

"Uh, I don't know how to hide people," Hermione said. "That's third year. I've only read up to second year, so far." 

"An illusion of a tall, hunched over person in really baggy robes," Harry said. "Like in that muggle movie 'The Frighteners.'" 

"What?," Draco asked. 

Hermione created a six inch tall illusion of the character in question. At 1:1 scale, it would be ten feet tall if standing up straight, but appears about six feet tall, due to hunching over and crouching. A voluminous mildewed black robe covers it, shadow hiding it's face. As Hermione made it move, a hand made of bones slid out of one of the sleeves. 

"In the movie, it was a murderer come back from the grave," the girl explained. "We should be able to hide behind the illusion if we stick together." 

"Looks like a Dementor," Ron said, moving his finger through the illusion. 

"Amazing, Duke Wellington," Draco drawled. "You can recognise shapes. This is, of course, a model. Imagine that, scaled up to seven foot tall, moving through the Great Hall like grim death. Lord Vetinari, what is this circle you want me to create?" 

I sketched a pentagram on the piece of paper. "I want something at ground level in glowing red lines that looks occult, but is really nothing. Think you can do it?" 

Draco managed to look offended. 

"Noir, Wellington, think you can illusion the damage for me that our 'summoned' monster will create?," I asked, bracketing 'summoned' with my fingers. 

"Sure," Harry said, Ron nodding. 

"This is gonna be good," Ron said, rubbing his hands together. 

"What's this monster going to look like?," Hermione asked. 

"Glad you asked, Lady Eris," I said. I quickly created another illusion. "This." 

The monster was the Cyberdemon, from the Doom 2 computer game. It was a minotaur with cybernetic enhancements. The right forearm and hand was replaced with an energy cannon of some sort. 

"Can we do this now?," Ron pleaded. 

Behind us, a prefect came to us. "What're these Gryffindorks doing here?" 

"Sorry, Flint," Draco apologised. "We just about had them convinced, too." 

"Weasley, Granger, I'm sure we can deliver those items you want by next week," I adlibbed. 

Ron looked surprised, then winced as Hermione kicked him under the table. 

"That's great," she said. "Tell Vetinari and D'Eathe that we'd like to see them after dinner to practice those charms?" 

"Sure thing," I said flippantly. "For the low, low price of ten sickles a message." 

Harry looked over at the Gryffindor table. "Ron, I think your brothers want to speak to you." 

* * * 

Post-fic comments: 

I got an evil idea after writing this: 

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE 

I ended up being with Draco, and Harry with Blaise. Draco effortlessly flicked his wand, creating a monarch butterfly as he said the necessary words. After a few false starts, so did I. 

"This is boring," I complained. 

"Indubitably," Draco agreed. 

I swished my wand again. "Illusio Pantera!" 

A music video of a Muggle hard rock band began playing in mid-air, music appearing from nowhere. 

I grinned madly, as the old Professor went into shock. 


End file.
